Our culture has become completely obsessed with the idea of “self-care”, understandably as a result of our culture’s obsession with self in general. The phrase sounds innocent enough, implying an essential nature with the use of the word “care” while carefully coating itself in indulgence with the preceding word of “self.” The meaning of self-care is not one-size fits all; it should be tailored and individualized in accordance to each person’s perceived needs and desires. The call for self-care may be well-intentioned, however the implementation is instead delivering a spirit of discontentment, despair, and envy.
It seems as though during pregnancy, peers begin to till the mother’s soul, preparing it like soil ready for seed. Tilling with fear inducing phrases that begin with “just wait until…” and planting seeds sure to produce unrealistic expectations such as “be sure to sleep when baby sleeps.” Such phrases are sure to reseed themselves as bitterness and despair. The problem is not with the notion that mothers need to take care of themselves, rather with what means of “care” is being suggested. We’ve taken phrases such as “you can’t pour from an empty cup” and twisted them, convincing mothers that they cannot selflessly care for their children and serve their husbands if they are unable to first “fill their cup” with a weekly pedicure. Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with treating oneself to a pedicure, or a quiet coffee date with a friend. However, the attitude of entitlement and idea that such indulgence is essential is an unfruitful lie.
The truth is many times, motherhood requires us to pour from an empty cup. Even the well-intentioned suggestion to “sleep when baby sleeps,” (which is actually built on an essential form of rest), becomes increasingly unrealistic as babies grow in size and number. Likewise, culture’s definition of self-care is paradoxical with motherhood, as it contradicts the die-to-self nature of the mother’s call. Motherhood is an active and persistent outpour of self, a role worthy of praise, admiration, and certainly deserving of a $6 coffee every now and then. However, on a daily basis we must learn to view self-care within an appropriate application of our role; often that will look like prioritizing a hot cup of coffee in the quiet of the morning before the babies wake. Self-care for a mother is not merely participating in selfish indulgence, rather disciplining oneself to also take care of our own needs amidst the needs of the children; doing this joyfully will encourage a spirit of gratefulness rather than bitter entitlement.
